Security status

Security Status

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"
to a "Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout
loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two
more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and
"Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines
ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look
at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on
all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from
"baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper
aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of
escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end
riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be
asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position
called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation
levels remain, "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the
barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There
has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of
the final escalation level.


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